AT ISSUE
Our house is chaotic.  I'm not sure how it got that way, but I know I don't like it.  My husband works long hours, our three children are involved in church, scouting, school and sports activities.  This place is a zoo, and I'm tired of it. What can I do to get some stability and bring our family together?

OUR INSIGHT
God bless you -- you seem like you are at the end of the rope, and I'm glad you're seeking solutions.  Don't despair, you can bring a sense of calm to your life, home and family.

There is an epidemic of frantic activity in many homes today.  People are under the compulsion to "do it all," but the results are counterproductive, and the quality of family life actually diminishes under the strain.  Here are three things you can do to improve things.

1.  Calm your own heart before the Lord each day.  Select the time that suits you best -- if you must leave for work, you may wish to arise before others and spend time with the Lord.  What do you do during this time?  Read a short passage from Scripture, reflect on the blessing and challenges of your life, then in prayer, ask Jesus to bless it all.

How will this help your chaotic home?  It's a start because the Lord will center and calm you.  This will give you the strength to institute further reforms in your family and that will bring order.

2.  Another important step to end the chaos is to insist that the family eat dinner together at least four or five nights each week.  Initially, this will generate moans and groans from everyone.  You must enlist the unqualified support of your husband before this new policy is presented to the kids, and then you must continue to stand firm when family members try to chip away at this policy.

Why are family dinners so critical to family stability?  Well it has nothing to do with the food you serve!  From beans and weenies to fillet mignon, it's all good.  Order a pizza occasionally!  The purpose of dinner together as a family is to create a calm setting where you can escape the craziness of the outside world and simply enjoy each other.

You may be saying, "my husband and kids will never stand for this sort of thing."

Well, they will if you have guidelines and make dinner appealing.  They may whine at first, but soon they will will come to cherish meals together.  Here are some tips:

• Set a time for dinner each day.  It should not be based on a sliding scale dictated by the various activities family members are involved in  (more about that in the next section).
• Let each family member know they are to come to the table when called.  Inevitably, family members will try to sabotage your efforts, particularly in the beginning by saying things like, "I'll be there in a minute, the TV show is almost over," or "Start without me, no sense of letting dinner get cold."  Put your foot down in these cases
• Start your meal by asking the Lord in prayer to bless your time together and the food you are about to eat.  Let all family members take turns asking the blessing.
• Make dinner a time of positive communication.  The first rule here is that television, radio and other distractions must be eliminated.  You must shut off the TV when you eat even of the "big game" is on.
• To get the conversation going, ask each person to share the highlight of his or her day.  Ask what the funniest thing was that happened to them or that they saw recently.  Share memories of the good times you have had as a family.
• Never allow fault finding, reprimands, grilling, insinuations, whining or fighting at the table.  This is not time for bringing up for the chores or bad report cards.  Keep the conversation positive at all costs.

As you see, the value of family meals is of critical importance.  It is like dropping anchor and a calm lagoon after spending the day on the turbulent sea.

3. My final suggestion for ending the chaos and your family is to set boundaries in regard to the activities in which everyone is involved.

I am amazed how, in the last few decades, activity has become associated with accomplishment and satisfaction in life. There was a time when who you were was important, not what you did. Today, however, it seems that people are not satisfied unless their kids are involved in every activity imaginable, including church, school, sports, scouting, crafts, and a plethora of other activities. Children are always in "do" mode, seldom in "be" mode, and that is not a good thing.

It is my premise that activity overload hurts kids more than it helps them.  Raising workaholics is just as dangerous as raising alcoholics.  At the same time it fractures families -- no one has the time to sit down and have a calm dinner together, for example.

Have a family meeting and trim outside activities.  Church and Christian education activities should have first priority, I think.  They have the potential to enrich your family life.  School comes next.  Besides regular schoolwork, a child should be involved in one school related extracurricular activity at a time.  Outside team sports, like soccer or baseball, should be limited to one per child each season.

As an aside, let me say I'm concerned about outside team sports.  They are forcing Christian families to make a choice when it comes to games or tournaments on Sundays, and such games should never be an option for well ordered Christian families.

Yes, there will be wails and gnashing of teeth from the kids (and perhaps even your husband) when you try to tame time to insure you have a happy and stable family life.  Nevertheless, it is something you simply must do to cure the chaos.

-DLH