A couple was sexually active before they became Christians. Should they stop now that they are Christians?

AT ISSUE

A 21 year-old woman tells her story: I became a Christian late last year, and my boyfriend did too. Prior to this, I lived the life of this world, and had several sexual partners. Six months before I became a Christian, my present boyfriend and I started dating. He too had a few sexual partners prior to this. We were both sexually active when we both started to go to church again and were baptized about 3 months later.

We've already tried a few time to stop having sex (only through my initiation though). I seem to manage okay, but he still want me to dress sexy and he makes comments. He says it is too much to expect him to be with me and not have sex. He says I’m putting rules into the relationship and he doesn't want that. Temptation to masturbate or do something else he shouldn't is his excuse that we shouldn't stop having sex.

What confuses me more is that I know he is close to God even though we have sex. Everyone we know calls him "Pastor," especially when he is on fire for the Lord.

He says that God understands the temptations and how hard it is because of our society. He says he gets convicted that we shouldn't have sex, but at the same time he feels he is being told that it is okay because it is more important that you have a close relationship with the Lord than live like a Pharisee with all these rules. I suppose it is good that he can be close even though we live in sin, however, I feel separated from God and find it more and more difficult to find quality time with Jesus.

There is never talk that we will get married. The only thing that is mentioned is that I may be the one he is supposed to be with, but in the mean time we should go with the flow because we do not know what is going to happen. When we have arguments he is quick to say that he is going to leave and never see or talk to me again.

I'm just so confused about what I should do. The hardest thing I’ve found is that there doesn't seem to be any help from the church, books or other Christians, especially if both were living a sinful life prior to being saved. I would really appreciate any help in this matter.

OUR INSIGHT

We all lived sinful lives prior to being saved, and it is a tragedy that so many local churches are unable or unwilling to speak to the very real issues you and others are facing. We will do our best to share our insight with you.

It is good that you and your boyfriend have come to the Lord and that you both are seeking to follow Him. You have both made the right decision. As you grow in Christian maturity, you will come to see much of life differently. At this particular point you seem to be maturing in the faith a bit more quickly than your boyfriend and are seeing things more realistically. Your boyfriend may be close to God, but you are closer.

For example, you previously were happy to have sexual relations with your boyfriend, but now you are not. It's not because your feelings toward him have changed, but because your feelings toward God have changed. God says, "Flee sexual immorality," (1 Cor 6:18-20) and that includes fornication, of course. Sex between an unmarried couple is fornication and it does not please God.

One thing your boyfriend says particularly troubles me. You say, "He gets convicted that we shouldn't have sex, but at the same time he feels he is being told that it is okay because it is more important that you have a close relationship with the Lord than live like a Pharisee with all these rules." This is an example of the "double-mindedness" mentioned in James 1:8, and is not rooted in a close walk with the Lord.

God is convicting your boyfriend of his sin when he says he knows he shouldn't be having sex. However, the Evil One is causing him to doubt God. In His Word, God says. "Don't fornicate" (2 Cor 12:21, Gal 5:12, Eph 5:3, Col 3:5 etc) so I think I can say conclusively that God is not giving your boyfriend special permission to do it. The pull between doing right and doing wrong is called "temptation," and your boyfriend is not winning the battle. He is merely giving in to temptation with lame excuses.

Talk about getting married should not affect whether or not you have sex. Talk is cheap, commitment is hard. You should not have sex with anyone until you are married. It's not about your relationship with a man, it's about your relationship with your Lord.

My advice to you is simple, and that is that you should both seek to honor the Lord by fleeing sexual immorality. You can do that in one of two ways. Marry the guy properly, or move on to the right man God has out there for you. But don't keep buying into what your boyfriend is saying, for it is not of God. You should be setting boundaries (okay, call them rules if you like), and there is nothing wrong with that.

You say, "When we have arguments he is quick to say that he is going to leave and never see or talk to me again." This type of behavior should be a red flag of warning to you. This sort of thing is just emotional blackmail, pure and simple, and also not of God.

You are a daughter of the Lord. Stand on your own two feet and don't be emotionally dependent on this guy. Instead, trust the Lord. He will honor that trust in your life, including your love life.

-DLH