I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. We know that God has given us to each other. We are both Christians, pray together, worship together and read the word together. We are not engaged yet, but it is coming. The only way I can describe it is that God is in this relationship. We are both divorced. We both had really bad marriages, got married too young and made mistakes. We are trying this time to do everything to give God the glory. Here's our issue. We tried really hard to commit to not having sex until marriage, but it happened a couple of weeks ago and since then a couple other times. I would say that it is more me pushing it then him, but he would say that we are both doing the same thing. Both of us have a very close relationship with God, he is the center of our lives. When we do something that is not according to his will we know, he lets us know. In this circumstance, neither one of us feels convicted of having sex before marriage.
 
I don't feel disconnected from God, we still pray and ask for him to tell us if we are doing wrong and we'll stop. My question is, why don't we feel convicted and guilty of this? We are so in love and know that God has this amazing plan for us in our future, but why doesn't he let us know that we are doing something disobedient if we are. We are considering seeking counseling, but I just stumbled across your site so I thought I'd give it a shot. Anything you have to offer we will take up in pray.

Your question is somewhat perplexing. On the one hand you want to serve the Lord and have Him at the “center of your life.” On the other hand you know what you are doing is wrong since you “tried really hard to not having sex until marriage.” This tells me you know it is wrong. But then you say, “neither one of us feels convicted of having sex before marriage.” Wow! That is a very dangerous way to live out your faith, that is, by depending on how you feel about a matter to determine if it is a sin. Our basis for truth is the written word of God. The Bible is very clear on the matter of premarital sex. It is called fornication. The Greek word used for fornication is “porneia.” Do you hear a root word here? It is the word for pornography. Sex outside of marriage is a sin…period. Read this passage carefully. If you do not “feel” convicted then you must accept the teaching of the Word regardless.

1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders [10] nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. [11] And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. [12] "Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything. [13] "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"--but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. [14] By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. [15] Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! [16] Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." [17] But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. [18] Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. [19] Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; [20] you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

If that is not enough try on this one for size...

1 Corinthians 7 [8] Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. [9] But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

And...

Ephesians 5:1-4 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children [2] and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. [4] Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

The long and the short of my answer to your question is this – it does not matter how you feel about it, premarital sex is wrong and offensive to God. To continue in sin is an abuse of the grace of God...

Romans 6:1-4 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? [2] By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? [3] Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? [4] We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

And...

Romans 12:1-4 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. [2] Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

And...

Colossians 3:1-5 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. [2] Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. [3] For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. [4] When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. [5] Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed, which is idolatry.

I could go on and on with scriptural admonitions about sexual sin before marriage. But let me also add that true love does not cause the one we say we love to sin. By you pushing him sexually and vice versa you are becoming a stumbling block to the very one you say you love. What this does is open the door for Satan to sow seeds of distrust into your future marriage. These seeds remain dormant for years until the time is ripe for the evil one to explode them. So I counsel you to abstain. Keep in mind that for every good gift from God there is the counterfeit. Sex inside marriage is good. The counterfeit is sex outside of marriage. I also counsel you to seek each other’s forgiveness for morally offending the other. This is critical since love demands that we restore broken relationships. And your relationship is morally broken before God. Confess it to Him and to each other. Purify your hearts and your minds. God will be honored and you will be blessed. I hope this helps.

In His Grip,
Dr. Chuck Betters 

This message is not meant to serve as or supplant personal counseling. Neither Dr. Betters nor MARKINC Ministries, its employees, directors, or volunteers will be held responsible for the inquirer's interpretation and application of the contents of this response.