A woman was married twice before she became a Christian. Now, her Christian husband has left her for another woman. Is there hope for her the 4th time around?
 

AT ISSUE

Before I knew Christ I had 2 brief marriages. I met the Lord and married an elder in the church. After 18 years of marriage he left me after a long affair with another woman.

Now I desire to be connected to a Christian man, but am certainly gun shy. I am in my 40's and have been alone for almost 3 years now. I have a man friend that I spend time and pray with. We have a pure relationship.

My last marriage was based in the church and I was so hurt by the infidelity, betrayal and lies he told the family. It's hard to trust now. I have not told my new friend all about my past. I am afraid of what he will think when I tell him of my "early" marriages. Any suggestions?

OUR INSIGHT

Unfortunately, you must realize that divorce is the "unpardonable sin" to most people in churches, not blasphemy of the Holy Spirit as the Bible teaches. To many, Jesus only works in the lives of the happily married, and others are cast into outer darkness. As a divorced person, you will always be looked at with suspicion by some, and you will be blamed for sins of omission for your "Elder-husband's" affair -- after all, you drove him to infidelity in the eyes of some, right?

This is a very ugly characterization of the situation, but it rings true for most divorced Christians. Once divorced, you will most often be treated as a second-class Christian by fellow believers who take undue pride in the success of their own marriages.

Judgmental Christians

Why do Christians hold this view? Some people think the Bible is very clear about divorce and remarriage when it is not. Many like to point to verses like Malachi 2:16 where God is quoted as saying, "I hate divorce," not realizing that God allowed divorce from the time of Abraham, and in some cases actually required it! (Ezra 10:11). They don't realize that the translation of the Malachi passage has been in dispute long before the Christian era.

When it comes to the teachings of Christ on the matter, many people fail to recognize that Jesus was reported as having two views on the topic, that both went against the body of his other teachings, and that even the Apostle Paul taught something different than Jesus did! Indeed, it is time for churches to take a fresh look at what it has been teaching about divorce and remarriage.

There is no question that happy marriages are the desired ideal. Divorced Christians know that better than anyone. But sometimes that ideal is not possible in this present age of sin and redemption, so if we love the Lord we must continue to walk by faith and ignore those judgmental Christians who are so eager to condemn others.

A Course Of Action

Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are certainly understandable. Also, the lack of trust you have is normal for someone who has experienced what you have gone through. It was bad enough to have marriage failures with unbelievers, heart-crushing to experience one with a man you considered godly. It is best to deal with these feelings first. How should you go about doing that?

First, recognize that you are a daughter of the King. Jesus loves you very much, and he doesn't want that to change no matter what may happen in your life. He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5). Relationships with people come and go… whether in church life, work, social or family life, and sometimes in marriages too, but your relationship with Jesus is permanent. (John 6:37).

Second, examine your own heart. What role did you play in the divorces? Why do you seem to attract "losers?" What emotions, attitudes and values need to change in you as you look to the future? Take these things to the Lord and and get a purified spirit as taught in 1 John 1:9. It is likely you have done this before, and it is not suggested you agonize over this reflection and confession. But let the light shine in the dark places so you can be truly free. Once done, continue to live the radiant life that comes to people who know they have been truly forgiven by God. Only the Evil One will try to drag you back into the darkness about past sin, so avoid those feelings and people who would have you victimized for Satan's sake.

Third, continue to trust. This is the hardest thing to do, of course. But this is the place where you can experience real victory in your Christian life. You can be empowered to trust others when you realize that God is in control both of marriage and divorce, and all other aspects of life.

This all comes down to a very practical issue for you. Should you tell your friend of your past marriages? The answer is yes. If he is a godly, mature person he will understand and love you all the more for trusting him with the information. If he is not such a man, you're better off without him.

How you tell him is very important. Most Christians are happy if you tell a story of defeat about the past, but I would encourage you to instead tell a story of victory. Tell how God was watching over you even when you were young, in love and involved with the wrong men. Tell him how God led you to the Christian life and a Christian man, and how the Lord sustained you in heartbreak and lost dreams of that marriage. Tell him how the Lord has filled your heart with renewed faith, love and hope for the future. Sing a song of victory about your progress in your life and faith. After all, that is what your story is really about and the divorces were just the circumstances God used to bring you to higher ground.

-DLH