AT ISSUE

The spring of 1993, after over two years of my family going through tribulations, I went manic. I sought out a man and had an affair. I did all the things that were against my moral and religious beliefs. Within six months I divorced my husband of twenty four years and remarried. I was married a month when I came down off the manic high and realized what I had done. I became suicidal. If it had not been for God's angels intervening on earth I would have been successful. It was then I got the medical help I needed.

For over eight years I have faithfully taken my medicine even though at times it has seemed to do more harm than good. But today I am stable and feel as good as I can.

However, no matter how hard I try, or no matter what end of the see-saw I am on, I can not get past the past. I know the Lord has forgiven. I am just now at the point that I can go back to church. There is such a hole in my heart from what once was and all the failures I have made. I look at my children and see the paths they have taken and know if I had not done the things I did they would not be where they are today. Even though my now husband is a good man and I care for him deeply, I went against my marriage vows and will never have that whole family again.

I could go on and on but it is futile to when nothing will change the past. My question is "how can I get past this and truly let go of the past?

OUR INSIGHT

Bless you for your directness and your honesty. I have reproduced more of your letter than I normally do because there is a cautionary lesson in it for all of us. At least you had a manic period -- most of us have no such excuses, and we have fallen into some of the same sorts of problems out of stupidity or orneriness, or perhaps a combination of the two.

As you know, a manic personality rarely stands alone. There is also depression in the manic-depressive cycle. It sounds like you may be in a depressed state now, and I suggest to see your doctor about an adjustment of your medication and perhaps talk to a counselor about some of the things that are currently going on in your life.

But you ask some very important questions about failure, forgiveness and regret, and I’d like to answer them from a biblical viewpoint.

The Thing About Failure

Failure is defined as “lack of success.” That’s pretty broad, and we need to look deeper at what it might mean in your life. From what you say, I think the issue is probably more about your disappointment with yourself rather than matters of success and failure. After all, you have plenty of success… a 24 year marriage, you didn’t kill yourself, you’re working though tough but successful medical treatment, your present husband is standing with you, you’re starting to get involved in your church again… and most important of all you’re trying to discover how to be a better person today. I think you’re a tremendously successful person!

You may be disappointed that your expectations in life have not been met, but that is far different than being a failure. Perhaps you need to rethink your expectations. For example, your expectation was that you would never violate any of your “moral or religious beliefs.” The truth is that EVERYONE has violated their moral religious beliefs at some point, so you are not alone. The Bible says, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), and that is precisely why we need a Savior.

You may have had different expectations about the lives of your children, but the reality is grown children are ultimately responsible to God for their attitudes and actions. They may have followed a different path than you would have preferred, but that could have happened even if you and their father had stayed together. Stop blaming yourself and work each day to make some positive contribution their lives. Demonstrate with your life that Jesus is powerful and can bring healing and joy to situations that seem impossible.

You may have different expectations about what it means for a family to be “whole,” but perhaps you need to adjust your thinking about this too. Unfortunately, many Christians like to talk about “broken families,” but that is a very demeaning and inaccurate perception of the nature of families. In reality, family relationships never need to be broken, even though they get rearranged sometimes. This may be due to illness, death, divorce or many other causes. Envision your family as being whole, love each member as if the family were whole (yes, even your former husband) and your family will be whole. By the way, this dynamic applies to people who are still married too. Believe me, there are many “broken families” where couples are still married and they and the kids go to church each week.

The Thing About Forgiveness

Everyone is capable of forgiving. The hard part is forgetting.

The Bible teaches that we should forgive just as we have been forgiven by our Lord. We do that by graciously accepting the apologizes of others. It is a simple transaction, but one which every human being should enjoy thoroughly. It is the only time we get to play God with his permission!

Forgetting is another matter. Some people enjoy replaying the hurt in their minds. Other are happy to have the memories fade in their own good time, and this is the best way. Forgive yourself and allow the memory of the hurt to fade. Forgive others, and allow that memory of hurt to fade too. Forgetting is not the same as erasing. Forgetting is removing the element of hurt that is part of the memory of the event.

Remove the hurt from the memory, and you will have forgotten about as well as anyone can while on earth. When the hurt component has been eradicated, we cease focusing on ourselves and are free to focus on God and others.

The Thing About Regret

Regret has a bad reputation. The reason is because people tend to abuse regret rather than use it for its intended purpose. Those who abuse regret wallow in it like a pig wallows in mud. You could ask me why this is true, but you wouldn’t like the answer. It’s because people get pleasure out of pain. Why else would they wallow in the mud unless they liked it?

Regret is good because it is part of the mechanism God hardwired into our souls to make us stop and think about our lives and about how we relate to other people. Regret should motivate us to apologize to the person we offended. It should motivate us to confess our sins to God. It should act as a corrective influence so we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

So, what is my advice to you about regret? I suggest you take a ritual shower. Spend some time first reading the story in Luke 15 of the man who had two prodigal “daughters,” and imagine how it must have been for that one “daughter” to live out among the pigs. Then spend a time in prayer as part of your ritual. Tell the Lord you sick and tired of wallowing in regret, and that you want him to purify you. Then jump into the shower and carefully wash away all the “mud.”

When you emerge from the shower, remember you’re clean and don’t need to wallow in regret anymore. Instead, focus your attention on being the best person, the best mom, the best wife you can be today. The only way you can improve the quality of your yesterdays is by making each new day special.

A Final Thought

No matter what life may seem like at any given moment, remember that God is watching over you. There is no place you can go in your body, no place where you can go in your mind, where you will not meet the ever-present Lord.

Remembering that Jesus is present and actively leading us brings joy in days of light, and comfort in the days of darkness. One way to acknowledge the presence of the Lord is to memorize this verse and to recite it often.

If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139:9-10

-DLH