A 22 year-old wife is now pregnant with her fourth child in five years. Children are a blessing from the Lord, but does this mean a Christian woman should be a non-stop baby factory? Where is the Christian husband's responsibility in all this?

AT ISSUE

I am 22 years old and happily married. My husband and I became Christians just a few days after our first son was born. He is now 4 years old. We also have a 3 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. I just found out that I am expecting our 4th child. I know children are a blessing from the Lord and I love them very much, but at this rate who knows how many children we will have. I am concerned about the effects of the pill and am wondering what to do in this situation.

OUR INSIGHT

I am glad you are happily married. Children can be a real blessing. That cannot be denied and I, for one, commend you. You are right, however, in asking where your family's future is going when you will soon have 4 children in almost as many years.

The place to start

What can you do about your situation? I must say with love and compassion and kindness, that someone needs to sit down and have a man-to-man talk with your husband. He can be a good man and a loving husband and father, yet still not understand the Bible does not teach that a man's wife must be a baby machine. It sounds like he is following the parts of the Bible as he understands them about reproducing, but is ignoring the parts that deal with moderation, stewardship of resources and respect for his wife. Sometimes another man can convey what a wife cannot, and I hope he has some Christian man in his life that he respects who will talk with him about these matters. You may need to set this conversation in motion by requesting him to speak to someone, or you asking someone he respects to have a chat with him.

A very special gift would be in order

Frankly, it sounds like he needs you give you a very special gift before your new child is born... a doctor's note that he has had a vasectomy. A vasectomy is simple, cheap and totally keeping within the teachings of the Bible, especially in light that you already have a pretty good quiver full at such a young age (Psalm 127:4-5)!

A vasectomy allows for sexual spontaneity (and will probably add to it with "fear" of pregnancy gone) and is often reversible these days. For a woman who will soon have 4 births accomplished, a husband having a simple medical procedure to get his "wings clipped" is a pretty simple thing, and you should consult with your doctor for details about it.

Your God-given rights as a Christian wife

You have every biblical right to ask your husband to get a vasectomy. 1 Cor 7:4 says, " The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." It is time you took some authority over your husband's body as it seems he may not be taking responsibility for it himself.

The down-side for a man not getting a vasectomy revolves almost totally around pride. Men think they will lose sexual desire or be less of a man in some way. This is nonsense of course. A vasectomy only keeps a man from having sperm in his ejaculate, and otherwise the desire and feelings of sexual activity are the same. A spiritual man should receive a wholesome pride from limiting his family and caring for them well, not a macho type of pride that comes from being able to demonstrate the ability to reproduce at will.

When reason fails

If he cannot accept his need to get a vasectomy, then you must take action yourself if you cannot be fully happy by what your doctor says about contraceptive pills. That includes you using a diaphragm and spermicidal jelly. He'll probably hate the fact that you stop to protect yourself and will probably try to get you to forget it in the passion of the moment (a matter of his pride again!), but these are things a woman must do, and something about which mothers normally tell their daughters.

Why this is a stewardship matter

The number and spacing of children is a matter of good Christian stewardship. Husbands must be especially accountable in this area, and sometimes godly wives must hold them accountable if the husband is not acting responsibly. The basis of this view is 1 Timothy 5:8 which says, "If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

So, with this passage in mind, does your husband provide the money for proper prenatal care? Do you never worry about the expense of having to go to the doctor in case of ill health or injury because you have money in the bank or a good health insurance policy?

Is your house large enough to accommodate a big family like you're having? Do you have a safe reliable car at your disposal to do the many things a mother needs to do to care for her family? Is there plenty of food on the table? Are you and the children properly clothed? Do the children have a reasonable number of toys to aid in their development?

Does your husband make sure you have at least a half day (or full day!) away from the kids each week either by him looking after them himself or paying someone to care for them? Is there enough money for him to take you on a "date" at least a couple time per month without the kids? Is there money for you to go to a Christian women's camp or conference for a week each year to refresh yourself spiritually? Can you afford occasional recreational activities together as a family?

Do you have savings in the bank to deal with emergencies? Has your husband expended the effort to get the kind of education required to support a big family now... and especially in the future when kids have more costly needs? Has he made an iron-clad promise to you that you will never need to work while any of your children are under age 16 since you have more than full time work with them? Very importantly -- does he now have large disability and life insurance polices in effect to protect his family in case of his injury or death?

If your husband can answer "yes" to all these questions, then you ought to have as many children as you both desire if they are properly spaced. But, if he can't answer in the affirmative, it's probably time to make a doctors appointment for that vasectomy.

You see, all of these things listed above are the basics of the I Timothy 5:8 mandate in our modern world. According to U.S. government studies, a child born in 2000 will cost $165,630 to raise over 17 years. For your family that already means over $660,000 not including the needs you two adults may have. Note that this also does not include the cost of college, and parents normally help in that area too. Since you have chosen not to exercise stewardship in the spacing of your children, this means all your college expenses will come at the same time, and that should be a concern. Or will your children be denied the option of a higher education because of your views on contraception?

Is your husband making $39,000 a year after taxes? That's the minimum it takes right now for a no-frills life for a family your size according to the above figures. An extra $10,000/year might be about right at this point when you consider all needs, including savings.

Many Christian people will cop out of this responsibility by saying "the Lord will provide." But did you know that phrase does not appear in the Bible? It's true! But I Timothy 5:8 is there, and its meaning is clear. As a Christian I firmly believe God will provide... but he intends to do so through the good stewardship you two exercise in your lives now.

A prayer for every blessing

I want you to know that I'm praying for you. You sound like a wonderful woman prepared to be obedient to your calling, and I'm going to thank God for that. Also, I will be praying for your husband -- that he will be understanding and reasonable, and be open to getting a vasectomy before your new child is born. Also I will be praying that God will bless him with both time and money to invest in his children, and that he realizes now what a wonderful wife God has blessed him with.

-DLH