AT ISSUE

My mother and aunts and uncles are upset that my grandfather has a very close "lady friend." Personally I think it's great! He's seems happy again and much alive. He and my grandmother were a week shy of their 50th anniversary when she passed away.

My grandfather is 73 and his lady friend is 49. He lives off his social security check, so she's not a gold-digger. My grandfather and our whole family are Christians.

How should I handle the family conflict?

OUR INSIGHT

God bless your grandfather, and you for thinking his interest in this woman is a good thing. I hope you'll find an opportunity very soon to give him a hug and whisper in his ear what a foxy guy you think he is and how lucky his "lady friend" is to have him.

You have an enlightened view about your grandfather's right to live his life fully, but most people get stuck when they think about their elderly relatives in love relationships.

Why Older People In Love May Bother Us

Most of us have preconceived notions about how older people should act. Part of this is based on how old people used to act in the past, partly on our expectations. In the first instance, we have to agree that older people are changing. It used to be that anyone over 65 was pretty well confined to their rocking chair. But improved diet, exercise and health care means that people are often not getting "old" until they are in their 80's.

The second instance has to do with our expectations. We are used to seeing someone in a certain context, such as being married to grandma for 50 years, and when we see them in a new context, as an eligible bachelor in this case, we don't know how to deal with it. That's what's happening with your mother, aunts and uncles.

But it's everyone else that needs to dust off their preconceptions and prejudice. Your grandfather is doing just fine! As a widowed man he has every right in Christ to find another woman.

Getting A New Perspective

We Christians tend to want to put everyone in a pigeon-hole. This makes life difficult for everyone. The scales fell off my eyes after my own grandfather died. A year or so after his death, my grandmother, who was in her 80's, went to live in a nursing home. She was confined almost entirely to bed, and it was sad for me to see her life slowly ebbing away. However, on one visit, she made a special point to introduce me to an elderly man in the rest-home. This man made craft projects, and she was insistent that I buy one for her. I can remember very clearly standing in that room and seeing the way my grandmother looked at that man. For an instant I saw my dear old grandmother as a giddy 16-year old, and, after I got over the initial shock, it was pure delight.

The point here is that we should never underestimate the attraction people have for each other. Age has nothing to do with it. Nothing came of the feelings my grandmother had for this man because she died a few months later. But I learned a valuable lesson from her about the enduring nature of attraction. The lights may seem to dim on the inside of people, but the generator is still producing electricity.

Differing Perceptions

The reality is, your grandfather still thinks of himself as a young foxy guy even though his body is working against him.

Your mother and aunts and uncles, sadly, have a different view of him -- and after 50 years they're not going to change. They undoubtedly feel your grandfather is showing disrespect to your grandmother's memory by seeing another woman, but that's not true. Humor them, but support your grandfather.

How can you show support for your grandfather? Words are good, and you may even want to invite him and his lady friend to dinner or to family functions (where mother and aunts and uncles are not present, at least in the beginning) to demonstrate your unconditional love.

God Acknowledges The Power Of Desire

There is a wonderful description of old age in Ecclesiastes 12. It says,

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"-- before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain;

when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim;

when the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when men rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint;

when men are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags himself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then man goes to his eternal home and mourners go about the streets.

This scripture points out that when we get old our hands tremble and our legs weaken. The "grinders" (teeth) don't work well either, and vision dims. Sleep gets difficult, and any height, even a few steps, become a worry. But what is the last thing to fade? Desire. Yes, that kind of desire.

If God acknowledges it, then we ought to acknowledge it too. I will go one step further. When older Christian people are attracted to each other for the right reasons, perhaps we ought to do more than just acknowledge it. We should celebrate it.

-DLH