AT ISSUE

A 36 year-old woman said, "My husband and I are having some marriage problems and we went to our pastor for counseling. It seems like the pastor immediately took sides with my husband.

Now "our problems" are now just "my problem" and I feel like I'm being victimized.

What should I do?"

OUR INSIGHT

First, let me say that you'll be in my prayers, and I hope in the prayers of many of our readers, because you may very well be the victim of an unjust situation. There is a lot of this type of victimization going around in our Bible-believing churches today.

The Pastoral Counseling Problem

It is my observation after 37 years as a Christian that about the last person a couple would want to see about marriage problems is their pastor. There are two major reasons for this, and we'll address them here.

The first reason is that people who need counseling do not have basic consumer knowledge about counseling, and will talk to almost anyone when they are distressed. There are many types of counselors available, and people should know, by way of background, what they are:

Psychiatrist. A medical doctor (M.D.) who has received advanced training in human behavior. Many follow the teachings of Sigmund Freud, but this is not always true. Psychiatrists have the legal ability to prescribe medications and should be consulted for extreme mental disorders. There are a few Christian psychiatrists.

Psychologists. A person trained in human behavior, usually to the Ph.D. level, who has been certified by the state in which they practice and usually by professional organizations as well, like the American Psychological Association. They often specialize in psychometrics (evaluation and testing) and talk therapy, and other methodologies. There are a number of Christian psychologists, the most notable one being Dr. James Dobson.

MFT (formerly MFCC) which stands for Marriage and Family Therapists. Training is to the M.A. level, sometimes to the doctorate level. These people are usually state certified after many hours of supervised clinical training. They deal primarily with relationships and there are a fairly large number of Christians with this professional certification.

Pastoral Counselors. These are people who have theological and human behavior training to at least the Master's level, and have had formal supervised clinical training, normally in a program called Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). They seek to deal with emotional and relationship issues from a spiritual perspective, but recognize the benefits of behavioral science, and use both in the therapeutic process. Pastoral Counselors are normally biblical in perspective, but non-judgmental in their approach.

Bible Counselors. A person with or without professional training who seeks to solve all problems using Bible verses, often without recourse to the needs of the person seeking counseling or to behavioral science. Many pastors consider themselves Bible Counselors though they have had little or no training in counseling. Since there is often such a low level of training involved, and such counselors often have their own agenda, the services of Bible Counselors are often offered for free.

Pastoral Confusion

The second reason to think twice about going to a pastor for counseling is that many pastors are confused about their own role in the Christian community. This has led to a crisis in counseling in many churches.

For example, many pastors don't have a formal education. They have studied the Bible to some degree and they feel that is the only qualification they need. They are the people who often feel strongest about their ability, but they have the weakest skills. Someone like an untrained aircraft engine mechanic could not get away with saying the Holy Spirit was going to supply him with the knowledge to fix a 747 jet engine, so that sort of thinking should not be acceptable for untrained counselors either. Many people think the Holy Spirit prefers to guide those who have had formal, supervised training whether it be in aircraft mechanics, counseling or any other area of endeavor.

Even pastors who have completed Bible college or seminary training normally do not qualify as counselors. Their training was in Bible, theology, preaching or some other field. They may have had a course or two in counseling, but that does not qualify them to do counseling either.

The real confusion comes when pastors believe that Bible training is enough background for marriage counseling. The reality is, however, that people who are drawn to theological study tend to see things in black and white, good or evil, right or wrong and those are not good traits for a counselor. Most of us Bible-believing Christians know there is right and wrong, of course, but that is not the issue. The issue is who is right or wrong, and anyone who feels they can guess that is just being foolish. The Bible teaches that we "look through a glass darkly" and as a result we never conclusively know the motivations of people. Actions that seem clear are often not. Only God knows what motivates people, so he is the only one qualified to judge them.

Pastors do a disservice to themselves and their people when they bring the Word of God down to the level of just another self-help book. They are serving God’s purpose when they preach the Word and let the Holy Spirit apply it to individual hearts. But they are always wrong to judge people when they don’t have the complete facts. And no one has the complete facts about anything while we sojourn on Earth. That’s why God’s judgment is perfect -– he is omniscient, he has all knowledge.

So what is the proper role of the pastor? As we have said, preaching is very important. Administrative skills are also important. But the most significant task is that of "soul-care." Soul-care is something we don’t hear about too much these days, but we get glimpses of it in places like 1 Thessalonians 2:8. Most pastors would rather sit in their offices and study their week away, not work with the youth or the elderly, or visit the hospitalized, the needy or even ordinary families. But being with people, as a shepherd is with his sheep, is the essence of soul-care. And when pastors are among their people, they find no need to sit in false judgment of others. Such pastors seek healing, harmony and reconciliation among their people. They are conduits of love, grace and mercy, and they rightly leave judgment to God.

An Answer For Your Situation

It is ALWAYS wrong for a counselor to take sides, and professional counselors know that. Even if it were obvious that one party or the other was guilty of something horrible, reconciliation doesn’t come out of an adversarial "good-guy, bad-guy" approach.

What should do in your particular case? If you value your marriage, you'll seek competent counseling, and for you that probably means finding a Christian psychologist or MFT who has the proper training. Your goal is not to find a counselor who agrees with you, but to find someone who will help you deal with the problems you and your husband face, and work with you with insight and intelligence and in an even-handed manner.

Should your husband go with you? Yes, if at all possible. But go alone if he won't go with you. In situations like you have described a spouse will often not go because, with the pastor on his or her side, they feel they have "ammunition" they need. Sadly, for some counseling is only about placing the blame, not resolving the issues.